Setting: The King’s Palace
The King is reclining on a settee watching the Jeremy Kyle programme on TV, whilst being fed grapes by two of his servants.
A courtier enters the room.
Courtier: “Sire, the Chief Insurer is here to see you.”
King: “About time too, he was supposed to be here an hour ago. Send him in.”
The courtier leaves the room and after a few moments, re-enters, followed by a plump man with a heavy sun tan.
Courtier: “Sire, the Chief Insurer.”
The Chief Insurer walks over to the King, and thinks about bowing, but decides against it.
Chief Insurer: “I apologise for my tardiness Sire, but I was waylaid by claimant beggars outside the Palace, who pulled at my fine clothes and tried to sell me personal injury claims.”
King: “But I thought I banned referral fees last year?”
Chief Insurer: (muttering) “WE banned referral fees!”
King: “What was that you said?”
Chief Insurer: “Oh nothing Sire, I was merely clearing my throat. Yes, Sire. We, I’m sorry, you did ban referral fees and for that, I and my fellow Insurance Lords are most grateful, but there are a minority of peasants who flout the law and roam the land trying to sell claims.”
King: “You told me that the claimant rebellion had been crushed and in any case, as we reduced solicitors fixed fees under the portal to £50 and raised the small claims track limit for PI’s to £100,000, there seems no point in the peasants trying to sell claims anyway.”
Chief Insurer: “Sire the rebellion has been crushed, but there remain a few renegades to be rounded up, and some of these older claimant peasants they have been around for so long that they know of no other means of making a living.”
King: “No matter, now pray tell me, what is the news of the reduction in the cost of motorists premiums since I got rid of the claimant peasants and their fraudulent claims?”
Chief Insurer: “Sire?”
King: “The reduction in motorists insurance premiums! That is what you promised me would happen once I had won the war against the claimant peasants. You sold me the idea that if claimant peasants no longer blighted this land with their fraudulent claims and referral fees, that that would mean that the cost of insuring a motor vehicle for the average peasant, I mean motorist, would fall significantly due to the costs savings that would be made.”
Chief Insurer: (fidgets with the collar of his rather tight shirt) “Yes Sire, we do hope to achieve that..eventually. “
King: (Loudly)” Eventually! What do you mean eventually? What HAS been the saving?”
Chief Insurer: (Fidgets with collar even more) “Well Sire, to date there has not actually been any saving.... (Gulps) in fact premiums have risen by 50% over the past 12 months.”
King: (Roars) WHAT?
Chief Insurer: (Beads of perspiration now trickling down face) "Well Sire, you see we have had to pay heavy bonuses to the Insurance Lords, as a reward for their efforts in.... assisting you in defeating the claimants and ...and...we have of course had to reward the insurance peasants for all their hard work."
King: (Enraged) "Bonuses! I defeated the claimants single handed without any assistance from the Insurance Lords and as for the insurer peasant workers, you always told me that the majority of them were a useless, inefficient bunch!"
Chief Insurer: " Indeed Sire, the insurer peasant workers I did refer to in such terms, but they threatened that unless they were rewarded with some of the bounty - I mean savings in costs - that they would work to rule and instead of taking six weeks to deal with the post, they would take twelve.. .. and in addition Sire, there is another problem.."
King: (By now purple of face) “What other problem?”
Chief Insurer: “Well Sire, the remaining claimant peasants have found a new fraud to perpetrate. They have started driving their uninsured vehicles into the houses of friends who are then making claims on their buildings and contents insurance to have their houses refurbished and fitted with Surround Sound, 3D TV’s, new I-Pads, leather suites and so on and so you see those insurance premiums are now increasing and thus there are no savings, as yet, to pass onto the general peasants - I’m sorry- I mean policy holders..”
King: "I’ve heard enough. Guards have him removed. Chief Insurer I sentence you to be hanged from the RTA Portal. Take him away.”
Guards take away the Chief Insurer who is heard shouting, “but what about my severance pay” as he is dragged off down the corridor.
King: “Courtier, fetch me the leader of the renegade claimant peasants. I think he and I need to talk...”